Isolation
Sometimes, i was forced to isolate myself because i was having physical breakdown. A breakdown in which i had for so ... so .... many years and yet i still find myself stuck inside it... since the days when i was still a very small kid, i was having the same old problem.... yes skin problem.. problem that i have to endure hardship, pain, suffering..
At a very young to middle age, the problem that the skin disease caused has minimal impact in my life, and during that time, i have |"better freedom" in choosing what attire can i wear.. attire from short pants to sleeveless shirt. During those years, i've been battling that problem and it seems promising, and at last, the problem is gone.
Well, joyful times was shortlived. ever since i completed the so called " national service" or better known as "Program Latihan Khidmat Negara", my life plunged into hell once more. new skin disease had successfully breached into the biggest organ in a human's body, that is my skin. Say hi to "Psoriasis + Eczema"
At first, the coverage of both skin disease was very small, and i pay minimal attention to it. and soon afterwards, all my life is full of regrets, regrets that i myself can evade at the beginning stage of the disease, and now, the regrets is still in me till this very moment.
During those days, it was in my college years. frankly speaking, i never enjoyed my college years, maybe it's because of the "problem" that was holding me back.. i remembered, both combination of disease once grew on my face, it was big enough that it covers half of my face, which literally tested my endurance, dignity, bravery, self-confidence and it caused alot... and i mean ALOT.. of embarrassment whenever i step out of my house to be with the people outside.. Do u even know how it felt, to have every pairs of eyes, looking at u whenever u passed by them? Do u even know what i've have been thru those day? worst than hell i would say.. i have no self-esteem and i went into alot of depression and find it hard to persevere. altho my family was behind me all the time, trying to find a cure for me
i did not finish my college years, and i guess u know why... but God is willing to give me a second chance . and now im in university trying to make up the loss of time i've made. my face was cured .... but not my body. years since my days at college, my skin condition never improved and it seems to get worst every single day. it gets bigger, uglier and now it covers most of the parts of my body. and whenever the rashes appear( which happens almost every month, i dunno how it happen) my mood would just plunged down to minimum. my emotion was tested heavily whenever i went thru these moment. and my mind keep playing games with me, saying, "no way it wont cure", or " you're gonna be like this for the rest of your miserable lives. i dunno this is a good thing or a bad thing for me, the inflammation of the rashes seems to happen on weekend, if not holidays. which is somehow i can isolate myself from my frens. i would try to give various excuses so that i can rest physically and mentally and emotionally at home.. sometimes the condition is so worst that i did not go out and have my meal.. i have to go thru hunger for the sake of not showing myself outside.. im glad my sis always stock up the biscuit and cookies, these two are my saviors
If the inflammation happens on weekdays, this spells trouble for me, i have to look up long sleeve clothes to put on, which i dun really feel comfortable at all . and whenever the weather is too hot, and i have classes on that day, (fyi: i cycle to skool) i would just stay at home and dun wanna go out, and hoping that my sis wont come back from work that early... but sometimes, i just have to go to class because the class is important and i cant afford to miss it. those moment in class = HECTIC.. .. and i was always worried about my skin, hoping it wont get worst when im at skool.
It's been five years (not counting the skin disease at my young age) im having psoriasis and eczema, and i still alive and "well" tried lots of medication, but to no avails. which really saddened me.. and i hope i can encounter ppl who experienced these diseases and able to find cure for it. this is my only wish for 2012, to get better, at least from this pain and suffering im having right now.. i still thank God for giving such a good perseverance and endurance. i do really hope it continue.
ps: i really envy those who have freedom to wear anything they want to
